Canto CCCLIII: The People of the Bean

Gentle cabrones:

I’ve had some great ideas for books that will never get published for reasons known only to book publishers.

Like this one: I want to write a book about conventions.

They are incredible: the idea that a profession, or a group, or a subsection of a group, or a business, or a religion must meet once a year to eat, to hear from each other and others, all in one place — and just once a year — is out of the Knights of the Templar.

In this day and age of constant communication, to think we must all gather together to debrief — complete with mixer, fancy banquet, after-parties and the like — speaks of tradition, the future, and pride in belonging. They’re mostly conventions, but some call them summits, symposiums, retreats, and more.

It’s all the same concept: a time to debrief, and discuss.

And a time to hear outsiders.

I’ve spoken at librarian conventions and newspaper conventions and lawyers conventions and bookseller conventions and the last Ford Foundation summit this past summer, but especially food conventions, which usually give themselves the fancier of summits but are basically the same thing: what’s going on in one distinct world.

One of my first ones was 12 years ago – the Southern Foodways Symposium, the gathering of Southerners who want to better the South, and the people with affinity toward the cause. I’ve been lucky enough to take my wife to a few, and that got her thinking.

She’s the thinker among the two of us, the dreamer, and the doer (I am actually far more happy-go-lucky than I seem). So once she got her store, and once she developed a friendship with Steve Sando of Rancho Gordo, the finest purveyors of heirloom beans around, the two began to scheme.

In 2019, the two did a five-course supper featuring chef friends of ours. It was such a smash, that it returned in 2022 (two years missed because those two years were 2020 and 2021) as two seatings with a movie. Last year, it was two seatings, a movie, drag queen brunch bingo, and a mezcal tasting.

This year? All of that AND art tours AND panels AND what happened yesterday. Our own convention.

Yesterday was the kick off event for what’s now called the Heirloom Bean Encuentro, presented by Rancho Gordo and Alta Baja Market. Since I’m the husband, she asked me to organize two things, besides running the cash register, throwing out the trash, and all the other things that I do when you’re the spouse of someone who runs a restaurant.

One of them is a tortilla tasting happening today — but ticket sales are closed. Yesterday was the Real MVP: The Bean Monologues. An hour of talks about…beans. All I did was promote it for over a month in my newsletter, and very few of you went – I know, because I saw the roster of people. With followers like ustedes, right?

You missed out. We packed the Black Box Theatre at Grand Central Arts Center in downtown SanTana. Minh Pham of L.A. food-food activism-art-art activism fame did a performance piece involving mung beans and wildfires. Alyssandra Nighswonger covered a jazz song called “Farmer’s Market” that was about a bean seller trying to make some girl that had all of us snapping our fingers. Steve offered some comments, Richard The Magician did a quick trick, and Paola Briseño-González offered a wonderful story about an exploding pressure canner and served her incredible tinga beans afterward.

Steve signed books. Joe Valdovinos served free mezcal from Mezcal Amarás. And we all commiserated and loved the bean life.

Oh, and then there was me at the very beginning.

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I’ve been to enough of these conventions that there’s always an opening speaker — not an invited guest but the person who tells everyone what to expect.

That was me now.

I told everyone that The Bean Monologues will be the annual kickoff to Heirloom Bean Encuentro for as long as God allows us, and that I will be the emcee for as long as God allows me, and that I will always do something different — what Tony suggested I call a Beanifesto.

This year, it was a rallying cry that I called “The People of the Bean.”

You might’ve not gone yesterday because you’re a fookin’ ingrate follower who likes the Dodgers too much, but I’m too forgiving of a person, so here it is in its entirety, with the usual asides to provide context.

The People of the Bean

We…are the people of the bean.

We lust for limas. We rave for and crave Royal Coronas. We pine for pintos, love alubias, and flutter at the sight of flageolots.

(at this point, I asked Steve for a pronouncer; he obliged. The audience was smiling but not laughing. A slight panic set inside of me, but the show had to go on) 

We know that frijoles are not just good for you, they’re essential. Healthy. Delicious. So many. Adaptable. Affordable.

We…are the people of the bean. (a laugh) 

But there are too many people out there….who are not.

They loathe lentils. They recoil at Rio Zapes. They gag at all garbanzos. They think beans are not good for you. (more laughs)

Their excuses are weak salsa. “They make you fat.” “They taste weird.” “They make you...”

Let’s all say it, on the count of 3: 1, 2, 3.

FART. (Most yelled it. I heard someone offer “Toot!” We all laughed)

We people of the bean…have an uphill battle.

The haters of the bean…are winning.

Just look at how terrible our love is treated in American English.

If you get hit with a baseball, you get beaned. (I offered a Dodgers update. It was 1-0 at that time) 

If you’re way too thin, you’re as skinny as a beanpole.

In Old Hollywood, if you wanted to show someone was super poor, you’d depict them with a can of beans. (I shouted out Tom & Jerry — the cartoon, not Simon & Garfunkel’s first group)

“Hill of beans,” of course, means something worthless. Thanks, Casablanca.

According to the Dictionary of American Regional English, a “bean day” was slang in Massachussets in the early 1900s for when fisherman had a bad day.

A beanhead in New Mexico was a “dull, stupid person.”

To “not to know beans” is to be stupid in the late 19th century Midwestern English.

To “put beans up one’s nose” is to do something foolish. (I pointed out that one was especially weird)

If you’re “beany,” that meant you’re crazy.

And then, of course, there’s the word “beaner.” (Someone in the audience knew exactly what I was going to say)

Used to slur Mexican Americans. We’ve been mocked as bean eaters, bean banditos, and bean bellies going back to the 19th century, but the insult “beaner” is actually pretty new.

The earliest known use of "beaner" in a publication is a 1965 article in the Detroit Free Press. The author was doing a dispatch from — where else? — Orange County. (loud laughter)

Specifically, Balboa. (even louder)

Surprised it wasn't Huntington Beach. (still even louder)

The Historical Dictionary of American Slang, meanwhile, cites a high school student from Trabuco Canyon and a college student from San Juan Capistrano among its earliest "beaner" entry.

Stay classy, OC! (yet still even louder)

So people of the bean: We have work to do.

We are gathered here before our John the Baptist, Steve Sando, who has brought us the miracle of Marcellas, the joy of Jacob’s Cattle bean, the vividness of vaqueros.

Bear witness to our glory over the next three days, and when you leave: spread the gospel of everything you will drink, eat, listen to and see.

We…are the people of the bean. Gracias.

If you’re not part of a thing that has a convention, you’re missing out. See you next year at the Heirloom Bean Encuentro!

**

Enough rambling. This was the semana that was:

IMAGE OF THE WEEK: Heritage BBQ’s head chingón Daniel Castillo with his carnitas-cum-lechón at his San Juan Capistrano citadel a few months ago on occasion of its fourth anniversary. His team will be serving at the Heirloom Bean Encuentro — you missed out!

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “Do you, your very self, realize what it is you have written? Have you yourself comprehended all the terrible truth you have shown to us?" — Vissarion Belinsky, to Dostoevsky

LISTENING: “Arboles de la Barranca,” El Coyote y Su Banda. Underrated group singing a JAM first made famous by Antonio Aguilar because it’s a Zacatecas song to the core: drought, Río Florido, farming, beautiful women, illusion, parrandas, pride. This was the song that mi Tío Santos’ casket was brought into at his funeral a few weeks back, and I heard young women sing it like at 10 last night in our neighborhood as I took Cosmo for a walk. I TOTALLY believe in signs, Profe Natalia!

READING: “Child of the Bomb”: John Miliius in The Surfer’s Journal — ‘nuff said.

BUY MY NEW CO-BOOK! People’s Guide to Orange County tells an alternative history of OC through the scholarship and reporting of myself, Elaine Lewinnek, and Thuy Vo Dang. There’ll be signings all year — in meanwhile, buy your copy TODAY. And, yes: I’ll autograph it!

Gustavo Events  

Oct. 18, 5 p.m.: I’ll be talking about my career at Saddleback College’s WordFest OC. It’s FREE, but you gotta RSVP here. (Note: I’m scheduled to just speak for 45 minutes, but I’ll also stick around for dinner through 7 because who wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to eat tacos?)

Saturday, Oct. 26-Nov. 10: Well, I wasn’t expecting this one. The play based on My Former Columna, Interview with a Mexican, is being staged by Su Teatro in Denver…in Los Angeles as part of the Encuentro 2024 A National Theatre Festival — WHOA…There are a couple of performances scheduled, but I’m going to be at the one scheduled for Oct. 26 at 8 p.m. My theater year continues — buy your tickets here. More in a canto to come…

Gustavo in the News

“Letters to the Editor: Gavin Newsom totally blew it on the Intuit Dome booze bill”: L.A. Times readers react to a recent columna of mine.

“Meet Mid-City L.A.’s Third-Generation Oaxacan Baker, Who Still Makes Traditional Hand-Drawn Pan de Muerto”: A profile of the great La Yalaltequita, which made it into the Suave 16 of my KCRW #tortillatournament. This year? Good question…

“Newsom Helps a Wealthy Donor; Why Are There More Earthquakes This Year? Coachella Valley Independent’s Indy Digest: Oct. 10, 2024”: One of the last true alt-weeklies out there shouts out a columna of mine.

“Part 117: A New Chief for the LAPD – Can There Be Law and Order in Los Angeles?“: Legendary whistleblower Zachary Ellison mentions me in another story of his.

Gustavo Stories 

“Grítale a Guti”: Latest edition of my Tuesday night IG Live free-for-all.

“OC Sheriff’s Dept. says no to use of force changes”: My latest KCRW “Orange County Line” commentary talks about the ever-bad OC Sheriff Don Barnes.

"A New Zorro Takes On the Swashbuckling Hero”: My latest Alta Journal article reviews the AWESOME Amazon Prime — of all places — series on the original masked avenger, and why it’s awsome. KEY QUOTE: “Initially, I tried to check my email while watching, but quickly realized I had to pay close attention. This was a PG-13 John Wick reimagined as a Latino Beau Brummell—you want to see Zorro vanquish all the baddies and look handsome while he does it.”

You made it this far down? Gracias! Follow me on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram while you’re down here by clicking on their logos down below. Don’t forget to forward this newsletter to your compadres y comadres! You can’t get me tacos anymore, but you sure as hell can give them — and more — to the O.C. Catholic Worker!