Canto CCCLIX: The Sidekick

Gentle cabrones:

We hadn’t spoken in a few years – the pandemic did that to a bunch of connections, you know? But it was cool to hear from my former superior. How was I, how were they, and by the way did I wanna help out on a podcast with B-LIST CELEBRITY?

Would I!

I was a fan of B-LIST CELEBRITY for decades. Appreciated their range in different mediums. Memorable roles. Respected their advocacy on issues I cared about. But I had heard…stories.

How they were a diva. How they were difficult to work with, and wanted to take credit for everything even when they had nothing to do with something. Gatekeeper. How B-LIST CELEBRITY was the embodiment of that notorious Hollywood law believed by too many: There Can Be Only One.

But they say to always take a meeting, so off to a Zoom call we went.

It was during the pandemic, so that was the only way. Besides, they were abroad for one of their many cool projects. B-LIST CELEBRITY noticed the Cosmo Cavern was my background, so they make some dismissive comment the way insecure people do to try to assert superiority over others they just met (another move? Anointing everyone around them with nicknames that people never consent to. Et tu, Guillermo?)

I wasn’t impressed with B-LIST CELEBRITY’s posturing, and no me dejé. I could see their eyes widening as they realized wow, this person is not intimidated by me!

I got my assignment: pitch some podcast episodes for their specific idea. I gave the producers five season’s worth, because I’m an underachiever like that. They loved them all.

We did a test run on the pilot. B-LIST CELEBRITY was terrible – like, shockingly bad. It’s one thing to master the craft that you became famous in, even if just B-level famous. But that doesn’t mean you’re gonna master something else immediately. You gotta WERK (see: Canto CCCL).

It was obvious this person did not rehearse. That this person thought they could just salsa their way into anything and succeed because they were B-LIST CELEBRITY.

But I felt pity for the person. They seemed out of their element, and they were flubbing lines, and I could see the terrifying realization on their face that they were mortal. I wrote in a previous canto about how someone who didn’t like me completely bombed at something that I invited them to do, and I gave them a pep talk to try to make them feel better when I could’ve just let them wallow in their own misery.

And so I did the same with B-LIST CELEBRITY. I didn’t want them to fail – if they failed, then there would be no podcast, and I thought the idea was so great that I wanted to be part of this podcast. But more than that, I wanted the person to remember who they were: B-LIST CELEBRITY. Because I was a fan

Their eyes lit up again. Wow, this kid is not afraid to tell me things that I should hear but that others are too intimidated to say!

New show idea: Now, I would be B-LIST CELEBRITY’s sidekick.

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People always ask me how is it that I’m able to do all the things that I do – it’s apparently a lot. But I don’t see it that way. I have been privileged in my life to be able to basically do anything I’ve ever wanted because it’s all been FUN.

If something is not fun, I just won’t do it. That’s when it becomes clutter and a distraction. That’s one of the reasons why I left Hollywood – it wasn’t fun for me. But helping out on a podcast for B-LIST CELEBRITY – and now being asked to be a sidekick — sure sounded like fun.

So we did another pilot. It was quickly apparent that having me as a sidekick was not going to work. B-LIST CELEBRITY hadn’t worked on his end — and I was outshining them again and again.

Now, B-LIST CELEBRITY was getting annoyed.

One day, we were supposed to rehearse, and B-LIST CELEBRITY said they weren’t ready for it. Reschedule. The team behind the proposed podcast were stonefaced on the Zoom call, but I couldn’t hide my disgust. The reason I’m able to do everything that I can is because I compartmentalize everything in my mind and my Lalo Alcaraz calendar. Anything that disrupts my proper modulations, as Ben Stern would say, and my day collapses like Jenga blocks.

What did B-LIST CELEBRITY do? They mocked my anger and basically said this is how it is – in other words, if the star doesn’t want to do something, then we don’t do it.

Yeah, no.

Incredibly, the producers sided with me. One more pilot, this time with me as the lead and B-LIST CELEBRITY reduced to a sidekick — no, really. The format would play to their strengths, because the podcast form was not for them.

The podcast never did work out — I was told B-LIST CELEBRITY decided to focus on other projects, but I knew what really happened. They couldn’t stand the idea of a nobody upstaging them (this has happened to me too many times before, alas). Whatever.

But B-LIST CELEBRITY couldn’t shake me, because about a year later, they hit me up on a project that they were working on. Could I take a crack at writing a section? I was still a fan of the person even if I knew that everything negative I had heard about the person was true. And it was a good project. So I wrote my part within a few hours. B-LIST CELEBRITY marveled at how fast I wrote and how good it was.

They never paid me for it, and I never got any credit. Whatever.

B-LIST CELEBRITY still makes quality stuff, but I’m not seeking it out like before. Beto Duran always says to not meet your heroes. I’ll one-up him: don’t work with them. More often than not, you’re gonna be better than them — in fact, you ARE. That’s why they’re calling on you. Heroes need you more than you need them — think about it.

Last I read about B-LIST CELEBRITY, they were basking in the love of their fans. It’s all good.

**

Enough rambling. This was the semana that was:

IMAGE OF THE WEEK: AWESOME mural at Gilbert High School in Anaheim — great stuff happening in a place long dismissed as a last stop. Spoke there yesterday to students before going to talk at USC — if you ain’t talking to crowds young and older, you ain’t WERKing.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: ““For every right, with all thy might.” — Motto of the Boston Guardian

LISTENING: “Yuma Joe,” Sandro. Pampa rock! Where’s the whip crack? I’m forever a sucker for moody organs — and that sneaky 60s sax! Great ‘60s-era moodiness, with wannabe Tom Jones vocals.

READING: “Escapism”: Willa Cather in the pages of Commonweal defending ars gratia artis — almost excuses Death Comes for the Archbishop. Almost.

BUY MY NEW CO-BOOK! People’s Guide to Orange County tells an alternative history of OC through the scholarship and reporting of myself, Elaine Lewinnek, and Thuy Vo Dang. There’ll be signings all year — in meanwhile, buy your copy TODAY. And, yes: I’ll autograph it!

Gustavo Events  

Dec. 8, 11 a.m.: It’s time for Lalo Alcaraz’s annual takeover of Alta Baja Market as he sells his incredible calendars, prints, and gets FAAAAAADED with me. Show up and hang out with us, and buy some stuff!

Jan. 4-5: This is really cool: Jouyssance, a choral group committed to singing pre-Baroque pieces (and which my sometimes-jefe, L.A. Times features editor Steve Padilla is a member), is doing a Christmas program featuring 16th-century Mexican music — and I'm going to be the narrator! Jan. 4 will be at 7:30 p.m. at Holy Nativity Episcopal Church, 6700 W. 83rd Street, Westchester; January 5 will happen at 4 p.m. at St. Luke’s Episcopal Church, 122 S. California Ave., Monrovia. Tickets are $25 general admission, $20 for seniors, and $10 for students with ID — buy them TODAY!

Gustavo in the News

“Letters to the Editor: Except for language, Filipino culture is very much Latin. History shows why”: L.A. Times readers talk about a columna of mine.

“Latinx Files: What does Trump’s victory say about Latinidad?”: A Los Angeles Times newsletter you should subscribe to plugs a columna of mine.

“Trump, the 2028 Olympics and what it all means for L.A.”: Another Los Angeles Times newsletter you should subscribe to plugs a columna of mine.

“Part 131: Mark Ridley-Thomas and David Lee Cases Appealed to a Higher Authority”: Legendary whistleblower Zachary Ellison mentions me in a story of his.

Gustavo Stories 

“Grítale a Guti”: Latest edition of my Tuesday night IG Live free-for-all.

“Anaheim failed to pass $50 limit on lobbying gifts to city officials”: My latest KCRW “Orange County Line” commentary checks in on the latest government shenanigans in my hometown.

"Alta Live: Unmasking Zorro”: The full discussion between myself and Alta Journal chingona Beth Spotswood about the original American masked hero.

“Upton Sinclair dreamed of a socialist California. He’s smiling upon the L.A. City Council”: My latest L.A. Times Essential California newsletter talks about “The Jungle,” EPIC, and the Fabian Four. KEY QUOTE: “Sinclair’s political descendants are avenging him in L.A. City Hall as you read this”

“These young Latinos backed Derek Tran in a race where every vote is crucial”: My latest L.A. Times columna profiles Chispa — NOT the dating app, but a 501c4 in SanTana that is pushing O.C. politics to a new world. KEY QUOTE: “Their youth, however, belies resumes worthy of a political machine.”

You made it this far down? Gracias! Follow me on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram while you’re down here by clicking on their logos down below. Don’t forget to forward this newsletter to your compadres y comadres! You can’t get me tacos anymore, but you sure as hell can give them — and more — to the O.C. Catholic Worker!