Canto CCCLX: Life as a Holiday Inn Express

Gentle cabrones:

If you travel as much as I do, you learn one thing very quickly:

A hotel room is a hotel room. Until it’s not.

Most high-priced hotel or resort rooms are nowhere near worth the price (really, the only exceptions I can offer is Los Poblanos near ABQ, a place near Pike Place Market in Seattle with a gorgeous view of Elliott Bay whose name I can’t remember, and La Quinta Resort Palm Springs). Because really, what’s a hotel room — the room itself, not the hotel itself or the city or area where it’s located — supposed to be except a clean place to sleep and shower and not get awakened?

If you travel as much as I do, you learn to not spend TOO much money on where you’re going to stay— but you also have to spend money to reach that bare minimum of what a hotel room is supposed to do (I don’t do AirBnB, both because too many corporate vultures buy houses to be a short-term rental and drive up housing prices in neighborhoods in the process, and because I find the concept of spending the night in a stranger’s house to be wildly inappropriate. And I almost never spend the night at a friend’s house if I’m in their city because I don’t want to intrude).

I’ve been living a cumulative total of a month on the road every year for almost 20 years now, so I know where to stay if I’m away from home. And that’s why I can say with certainty that Holiday Inn Express is by far the best option for a hotel room anywhere you may go.

I made this discovery in 2007, the first time my honey and I went on what used to be our annual road trip to the American South. It was solidified as I began hitting the college circuit that year for The Former Columna, and keeps getting confirmed every time I stay at a Holiday Inn Express

Free wifi! Free membership program that does pay off! Free breakfast! Good selection of cable channels, (and usually off away from hustle and bustle of a town. Patronized mostly by businessmen, middle-class families on the cheap, and retirees on the road, so almost completely drama free. Almost always free parking — but check.

It’s cheaper than Hyatts/Marriotts, better than Best Westerns and Days/Comfort Inns, have more locations than Hampton Inns but nowhere near as ubiquitous as Red Roof Inns, the lowest I’ll stay if I have an option. Better yet, Holiday Inn Expresses are almost all the same wherever you may go — consistency is what you want when you go to sleep away from home, not adventure or a gamble.

Many of you are off to visit loved ones for Thanksgiving, a holiday I loathe. Many of you will vacation at some point for the rest of this year. Many of you won’t even read this pinche canto because of the above.

It happens.

But if you happen to read this canto after the fact, at least you have these tips to keep for the future. Happy traveling!

Best Holiday Inn Express I’ve Stayed In

It’s no longer labeled as one, but there was one near Chase Field in Phoenix that was no more than a decade old when I last stayed before the pandemic. Huge rooms, only two stories tall, and near the cool part of the city called Roosevelt Row. It was historically our last stop on our two-week vacation before we headed back home until we discovered…

Weirdest Holiday Inn Express

Buckeye, Arizona. It’s a good one, don’t get me wrong — recently built in this Phoenix suburb, with spacious, immaculate rooms. And that’s the problem. If you get a room with the windows facing east, you see the undeveloped Sonoran Desert before you and realize that this city shouldn’t be there, and you have no reason to be in Buckeye. Makes you think about mortality and Ozymandias — and that’s not exactly what you want to be thinking about when you’re about to decide which twin bed you’re going to lay in, you know?

Worst One

Shamrock, Texas. You know how a lot of people find the word “moist” to be disgusting to say or even think about? That’s how I feel about the acronym “B.O.” for “body odor” — BARF. And that’s exactly how the lobby of the Holiday Inn Express there smelled when my wife and I decided to skip our usual Amarillo stop and went for this Panhandle town after a 17-hour drive from OC. Our room smelled worse. Thank God we only stayed five hours before we hopped back on I-40 for Louisville.

Most Random One

Maumelle, Arkansas. Suburb of Little Rock about 20 minutes away from Little Rock, which is about an hour away in Southern highways time (IYKYK). That was the year we didn’t stay in Chattanooga (awesome city, btw, with a tall Holiday Inn Express) and tried to drive as far as possible. We rolled into Maumelle around midnight — 98 degrees, 90 percent humidity. I don’t even remember turning on the lights in the room, so tired we were — but I remember the ceilings seemed as high as those in a Gothic cathedral, the price was like $80 for the night, and the temperature inside was perfect. Have never returned, only because we haven’t done the full summer drive since 2017, alas.

A few years ago, I was in studio with the comadre Evan Kleiman for her Good Food show. The guest right before me was from Maumelle — not sure how it came up, but it did. I told him I had once visited. His response: “Why?”

First time reading this newsletter? Subscribe here for more merriment! Feedback, thoughts, commentary, rants? Send them to [email protected]

Holiday Inn Express I’ve Stayed in the Most

Crossville, Tennessee. On a hill. Down the street from a great liquor store, up the street from a Sur-Mex spot. Was always the halfway point for our South vacations. Nice, but wildly overpriced whenever we’d stay — and we would book at least half a year in advance because the demand was that big.

Holiday Inn Express Where I Felt Most Like a Somebody

Frankfort, Kentucky. They’d write down the names on a whiteboard of any guests staying the night who had enough IHG points to merit the honor, broken down by which points class you belonged to. I’ve always been a Silver member, so my wife would roll her eyes when we’d see “G. Arellano” on the board, along with the offer of a free bottle of water or extra points by the desk clerk for my stay. ALWAYS take the extra points.

Most Underrated

The one within walking distance of downtown El Paso. It’s not the best Holiday Inn Express, but it’s right off the 10 freeway and within walking distance of pinche downtown — ¿qué más quieres? How about a chilaquiles bar? Because they had that, too!

Most Underwhelming Ones

The ones near Times Square in NYC. Rooms are small, lobbies are always overcrowded with tourists, always in the mid-$200 range, if you book them in time and it’s the slow season. I know I said a hotel room is a hotel room, and the two in this region always do what they have to do… but this is the land of the Waldorf-Astoria and Algonquin — you always expect more out of NYC? (BTW, only stay at the Chelsea Hotel for prurient or history reasons — you’ve been warned)

Most Loaded One

The one across the street from Allegiant Stadium in Las Vegas. I’m sure it costs a million dollars if there’s a Raiders game, but on all other days, it’s the cheapest Holiday Inn Express in Sin City, it’s within minutes of the Strip, it’s right off the 15 freeway AND it’s in the same parking lot as In-N-Out, which is overrated.

Holiday Inn Express I Want to Stay in but Probably Never Will

The one in SanTana off First Street near the 5 right next to the Islamic Center of Santa Ana — a Cham (Cambodian Muslim) mosque — and a bunch of no-tell motels. Inaugurated in the last five years, with its own banquet hall. But I live seven minutes away so what’s the point — but one can always wonder…

A Word on Holiday Inns…

…They’re almost universally shite. Most were built in the 1960s and 1970s, when America had money and Americans wanted to spend it. The one in Amarillo has a bar with a poster for a Buffalo Bill show and a grimy grotto. The one in Phoenix felt like a morgue; the one in Memphis was a skyscraper with rooms that looked into an indoor courtyard, but at least it had a mini-museum to the chain because Holiday Inn was founded there. The one in West Memphis, Arkansas, on the other hand, had laminated sheets saying to not open your doors if a stranger was knocking and to not leave valuables in your room — okay!

**

Enough rambling. This was the semana that was:

IMAGE OF THE WEEK: A sticker of mine at the Frida Cinema in downtown SanTana. Did you know that if they’re ever out of Reese’s Pieces, they have to return a sizeable donation I gave them a few years ago? That’s how I charity haha!

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “I was getting a ride up Centre Avenue with this guy in this convertible. I heard some gunshots, and I told him to stop the car, and I didn’t even bother to open the door. I just hopped out of the car and ran down to where the gunshots were. And I’m like: ‘What’s happening?’And there’s this woman chasing the man around the car, and he poked his head up, and — boom! — she shot him in the face. Not only did I see it, but, after the guy got shot in the face (someone grabbed her), he’s walking up the street, and I’m like walking right beside him, like looking at him. You know, I wanted to see this. And he was bleeding. He asked this guy, he said: ‘Man, drive me to the hospital.’ The guy said: “You ain’t gon’ get all that blood in my car.’ I was right there. This is going on — I remember one time I didn’t go to bed for like, damn near three days, because every time I’d go to bed I felt like I was missing something. And I’d jump up, three o’clock in the morning and run out there. All kinds of life going on. It was like, wow! — August Wilson, on The Hill in Pittsburgh

LISTENING: “Woman To Woman,” Shirley Brown. One of the great spoken-word intros EVER, although homegirl should dump this guy’s ass. Beautiful delivery, a slow jam at its best — but I’ve always wondered, WHICH Barbara. Lynn? George? Lewis? I guess it was Mason…

READING: “When the Past Becomes the Present”: The weekly newsletter of foodwriting legend Ruth Reichl is exactly what the newsletter of a legend should be: a look back, a look at today, and musings on what it all means. She almost always includes scans of an article she wrote in the past, a plug for some food item — vittles, cutlery, and the like — and a vintage menu. I’ve included the one from last week, though, because it’s the best justification of Thanksgiving I’ve EVER read. And it made me realize why I don’t like the holiday — I don’t want to deal with ghosts. Sigh…

BUY MY NEW CO-BOOK! People’s Guide to Orange County tells an alternative history of OC through the scholarship and reporting of myself, Elaine Lewinnek, and Thuy Vo Dang. There’ll be signings all year — in meanwhile, buy your copy TODAY. And, yes: I’ll autograph it!

I’M NOW ON BLUESKY! Whatever the hell that is — I’m not dropping Twitter, but if you did and are now on this app, here I am. Spread the word!

Gustavo Events  

Dec. 8, 11 a.m.: It’s time for Lalo Alcaraz’s annual takeover of Alta Baja Market as he sells his incredible calendars, prints, and gets FAAAAAADED with me. Show up and hang out with us, and buy some stuff! 201 E. Fourth St., Ste. 101, SanTana. Appearance, FREE; calendars and prints and micheladas, BARATO.

Jan. 4-5: This is really cool: Jouyssance, a choral group committed to singing pre-Baroque pieces (and which my sometimes-jefe, L.A. Times features editor Steve Padilla is a member), is doing a Christmas program featuring 16th-century Mexican music — and I'm going to be the narrator! Jan. 4 will be at 7:30 p.m. at Holy Nativity Episcopal Church, 6700 W. 83rd Street, Westchester; January 5 will happen at 4 p.m. at St. Luke’s Episcopal Church, 122 S. California Ave., Monrovia. Tickets are $25 general admission, $20 for seniors, and $10 for students with ID — buy them TODAY!

Gustavo in the News

“Should I cancel the New Yorker?”: You know someone’s a fan when they refer to you by just your first name, and that’s Peter Murrieta!

“Latinx Files: Spending Thanksgiving with your Trump-supporting relatives”: A Los Angeles Times newsletter you should subscribe to plugs a columna of mine.

“Don’t hate on gift giving just yet": Another Los Angeles Times newsletter you should subscribe to plugs a columna of mine.

“Part 133: A Whistleblower Thanksgiving in America – Why Courage Still Matters Here”: Legendary whistleblower Zachary Ellison mentions me in a story of his.

“The Return of Zorro and Sorro“: Can’t remember the last time I was a footnote — like, literally. Figuratively, all the time!

“Statehood for Puerto Rico Is DOA”: The brilliant, if terribly named, The Latino Newsletter shouts out a columna of mine.

Gustavo Stories 

“Grítale a Guti”: Latest edition of my Tuesday night IG Live free-for-all.

“Overlooked voters could sway close OC race, thanks to nonprofit”: My latest KCRW “Orange County Line” commentary talks about Chispa and Derek Tran.

"Sabor Judío con Ilan Stavans”: Part of the discussion between the legendary Ilan Stavans and myself at Alta Baja Market a few weeks ago.

“Ask a Californian: Call of the Wild Edition”: My latest Alta Journal co-columna talks Disneyland, hiking and more!

“KCRW and Gustavo's Great Tortilla Tournament is Back, Better Late Than Ever!”: My KCRW #TortillaTournament is BACK, with a confusing publishing schedule split between my Substack (which you should not subscribe to because I only use it occasionally, and if you subscribe over there, you’re going to be subscribed over here, so what’s the point?) and the KCRW Insider newsletter, to which you should TOTALLY subscribe. KEY QUOTE: “Because the point of what myself, tortilla judges Connie Alvarez, Mona Holmes and Evan Kleiman, and tortilla scout Sean Vukan do in eating dozens of tortillas is not personal glory but something serious: trying to get ustedes to eat better tortillas and patronize local tortillerías in Southern California and beyond.”

“Pa’ Que Sepan”: My latest “Good Ol’ Chico” columna for the Southern Foodways Alliance checks in on Acamaya in New Orleans, one of the most important Mexican restaurants to open in the U.S. this year. KEY QUOTE: “In a city where seafood is gospel, Acamaya is a needed reminder that the Gulf of Mexico feeds two countries that too often see each other as adversaries instead of kin.”

“A thank you to the undocumented on the eve of Trump’s deportation storm”: My latest L.A. Times columna is exactly what the headline states. KEY QUOTE: “I can never forsake undocumented immigrants because of all of you, public opinion be damned.”

You made it this far down? Gracias! Follow me on Twitter, Facebook, Bluesky and Instagram — actually, not Facebook because it’s trash. Don’t forget to forward this newsletter to your compadres y comadres! You can’t get me tacos anymore, but you sure as hell can give them — and more — to the O.C. Catholic Worker!