Canto CCCLVI: The One Time I Ran for Office

Gentle cabrones:

For some reason, way too many people have told me I should run for political office.

My response is always the same: I don’t wanna end up like Leon Trotsky with an ice pick to the head.

If you haven’t noticed already, I am no partisan. To quote Will Rogers, I am a member of no organized party; I am a Democrat – and only because I lost a bet back in 2018.

I have voted for Republicans, Democrats, Greens, Libertarians, Peace and Freedom folks, and have written in candidates – in fact, I wrote in someone for this election cycle. Republican politicians loathe me, but Democrats — especially of the professional Latino type — hate me even more because they think I’m a traitor. Libertarians (real open-border ones, not fakers like Rand Paul) tend to love me, but so do true leftists (as opposed to wokosos) who are street-level organizers — both know I cut through all bullshit and show up to their stuff.

I guess people say I should run for something because I know how to speak well off the cuff, I know the issues, I’ve very good one-on-one and in crowds and I truly care. And I do admit I sometimes think of running for the sole reason of making my opponent spend tens of thousands of dollars sifting through everything I’ve ever written in order to put out my most outlandish stuff on mailers and ads — that would be fun, and I would tell my opponent to hire me for cheaper, since no one knows my writings better than me.

But no, I’m not running for anything ever. LA Times policy doesn’t allow it, which maybe I’ll challenge in 2026 to try and do some Norman Mailer/Hunter S. Thompson shit – but I doubt the jefe and jefa would allow it!

Besides, I’ve already run for office before: ASB treasurer for Class of ‘97 at Anaheim High. I hadn’t thought of my campaign since it happened 28 years ago until I tried to figure out what I wanted to write about this week, so inconsequential it was to my life until now.

And now that I think about it, I laugh.

Junior year, Anaheim High. I always found student government types to be dorks – and coming from a nerd, that’s saying something. Bunch of fake-ass do-gooders or egomaniacs who wore goofy jackets just ‘cause they thought they were better than us plebes, I thought (I still mostly think that about politicians, btw).

(Quick aside: My disdain of student government is such that I recently cracked a joke about it during an honor’s class at a high school I’ll probably never speak at again. The joke fell flatter than Aaron Judge’s glove)

But an assembly happened. Can’t remember for what, but I remember I was tasked with giving a speech. Can’t remember what it was, but it was so rousing to the audience that someone said I should run for ASB. How hard could it be?

Maybe I needed to distract myself from my girlfriend at the time. Maybe the spirit of Prop. 187 got to me earlier than I remember. But all of a sudden, I decided I was gonna run for ASB treasurer. Why that? No clue — except I wasn’t going to run for president, because I knew I wouldn’t beat the people who were running (one of them I still talk to, the other one ended up marrying Vic and was the boss of my sister, so I definitely talk to her).

I had only one opponent – not going to name her. We would end up being Students of the Month the following year, our senior year. We were cool with each other, but not friends. She was an athlete, but I don’t think she was an ASB kid before we both ran. Nice, but not popular — but definitely more popular than me.

But not more wily than me. She didn’t stand a chance.

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I only did three extracurricular activities in high school, because I thought clubs were for geeks. I was in Kiwanis’s Bowl (our version of Jeopardy!) three years in a row, winning the final two all on my own – there’s a canto for that. I was in Academic Decathlon, but only because they needed a C student, and I was it. I did whatever, because I ain’t no scientist or mathematician.

And I ran for ASB treasurer.

I only remember two things about the campaign. I put up signs that said “Don’t vote for Gustavo Arellano,” and another one that put some eye-catching word and “Now that I Got Your Attention, Vote for Gustavo Arellano.” During a speech, I promised to give 100% and not 110% because 110% was impossible by definition.

Moral of the story: Don’t base your political campaign strategy on Simpsons episodes.

I really thought that I was gonna win based on people telling me I would win, because I was smarter than my opponent, because I was such a loudmouth, because I was more charismatic – how could I lose?

Easily.

I don’t remember the percentage, but it wasn’t close. My opponent had tasteful banners and worked the proverbial pavement. I did nothing other than my joke banners. I was annoyed that I lost — because I don’t like to lose — but I was also relieved I wouldn’t have to be in ASB, so it really was no big deal.

The moment never made it into the the high school stories the Mexiclan share with my younger brother, and I never wrote about it until now, so inconsequential it was to my life.

BUT…

Thinking about my electoral loss, the lesson is so obvious that I never thought about it until now. I wasn’t that cocky after all, because I have followed this ever since. I wrote about it in my 2020 Election Day canto (gracias NelCYN for digging up the deep track):

Hubris destroys.

It torpedoed Bob Dornan in 1996, and sunk Gray Davis. It brought down Hillary in 2016, and did the same to Miguel Santiago this spring in his expensive, laughable campaign to represent CD14 on the L.A. city council.

Which brings us to this Tuesday, 2024 Election Day.

I see Trump‘s people trampling through this country with hubris, while Kamala‘s folks are grinding and working. Sometimes, grinding and working doesn’t guarantee the election. Sometimes, hubris pushes you into places you otherwise wouldn’t get into.

But WERK wins in the end — maybe not immediately, but eventually. I lost in 1996 — and here I am.

(Another quick aside: The senior class president my junior year was Natalie Rubalcava. She’s now an Anaheim councilmember and survived a recall campaign earlier this year despite being outspent. She’s a total do-gooder, but ain’t no fake — no one who gets jumped at Sycamore Junior High is THAT)

Go vote this Tuesday. Guti for president in 2076! But just for shits and giggles…

**

Enough rambling. This was the semana that was:

IMAGE OF THE WEEK: A trio of Pikachus that went to our house for Halloween. My second-favorite costume after the girl who dressed up as Anne Hathaway in the poster for The Princess Diaries. And then two of my media chica’s workers dressed as characters from A Goofy Movie. Since when did Gen Z start embracing millennial culture?

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “The fact that (concerts and plays) were segregated became too much for me. What was I doing there? How could I justify my belief in the fatherhood of God and the brotherhood of man if I had no qualms about enjoying privilege because of the color of my skin?” — Marge Baroni

LISTENING: “The Chicken Astronaut,” The Five Du-Tones. If you really know me, you know I don’t give a fuck about space, and that one of my favorite lyrics are those from Gil Scott-Heron’s “Whitey on the Moon.” This novelty song is the comedic side of the same sentiment, with a rush of horns, over-production and yelping vocals. Yep, The Five Du-Tunes recorded “Shake a Tale Feather.” Learned this one from Ziegler so long ago — whatever happened to him?

READING: “The Lasting Power of Jinns in Tunisian Society”: New Lines Magazine consistently puts out some of the best international deep-dive reporting I encounter, and opens up a Middle East that simply doesn’t exist in mainstream American media — and this article is proof of it.

BUY MY NEW CO-BOOK! People’s Guide to Orange County tells an alternative history of OC through the scholarship and reporting of myself, Elaine Lewinnek, and Thuy Vo Dang. There’ll be signings all year — in meanwhile, buy your copy TODAY. And, yes: I’ll autograph it!

Gustavo Events  

Saturday aka TODAY-Nov. 10: Go check out Interview with a Mexican, the play based on The Former Columna that’s part of the Latino Theater Company’s quadrennial Encuentro in downtown LA. My theater year continues — buy your tickets here!

Nov. 16, 1 p.m.: I’m going to be in conversation with the legendary essayist Ilan Stavans, co-author of Sabor Judío: The Jewish Mexican Cookbook, at my wife’s Alta Baja Market, 201 E. 4th St., Ste. 1010, SanTana. There will be books for sale AND snacks to follow. Lecture, FREE; books, BARATO. in me

Gustavo in the News

“Alta Recognized As Finalists for Over Two Dozen National Arts & Entertainment Journalism Awards”: Me and my “Ask a Californian” co-columnista Stacey Grenrock Woods get nominated!

“‘Here’ today, gone tomorrow”: A Los Angeles Times newsletter you should subscribe to plugs a columna of mine.

“Latinx Files: On borders, Beyoncé and ‘Freedom’”: Another Los Angeles Times newsletter you should subscribe to plugs a columna of mine.

“Part 124: “This Didn’t Happen Overnight” – Homelessness and the Fiscal Crisis in Los Angeles” and “Part 117: A New Chief for the LAPD – Can There Be Law and Order in Los Angeles?”: Legendary whistleblower Zachary Ellison mentions me in two stories of his.

“Firehose #116: Partying Like it’s 1999“: My libertarian godfather compa Matt Welch plugs a columna of mine.

“The Sunday Long Read”: Former L.A. Times editor Kevin Merida kindly shouts out my “Caminos del Southwest” series.

“Kulturkampf um Kinderbücher: Sie reden von Freiheit. Und wollen Literatur verbieten”: I get quoted in a German publication covering Huntington Beach’s wacky politics.

“LA Dodgers Fans' Celebration Results in MTA Bus on Fire in Video, Arrests and Looting”: Bleacher Report plugs the wrong Dodgers World Series win story I wrote!

Gustavo Stories 

“Grítale a Guti”: Latest edition of my Tuesday night IG Live free-for-all.

“Former OC Supervisor Andrew Do resigns, admits to taking bribes”: My latest KCRW “Orange County Line” commentary is about the disgraced politician.

"How are Latinos in the Southwest US doing this presidential election season?”: KPBS Roundtable has me on to talk my “Caminos del Southwest” series.

“A tiny town in Arizona's copper country is having a comeback — largely due to Latinos”: I wouldn’t have used this headline, but KJZZ in Phoenix have me on to talk about a chapter of my “Caminos del Southwest” series.

“Is The Latino Voter A Myth?”: I appear on Mike Madrid’s personal podcast to talk my “Caminos del Southwest” series.

“What Latino voters in the Southwest care about this election”: My latest appearance on L.A. Times Today is about my “Caminos del Southwest” series.

“In Fernando Valenzuela, as biblical a tale in baseball as we'll ever see”: My latest National Catholic Reporter columna is all about El Toro and how he reflects the Good Book. KEY QUOTE: “The crowds that came to watch him play in 1981 and beyond, both at home and on the road, recalls Mark 3:8, which states in part, "a great multitude, when they had heard what great things he did, came unto him."

“Ask a Californian: We Give Thanks”: My latest Alta Journal co-columna tackles famous California beefs, Thanksgiving and California books. KEY QUOTE: “You nailed a lot of legendary California beefs and got to the essence of what a true beef is: war between two sides where both sides win and lose, like Spy vs. Spy or what goes on at the state Capitol.”

“Multiple arrests as Dodgers’ World Series victory brings burglaries, vandalism, fires in parts of L.A.”: My latest L.A. Times co-story covers what happened across L.A. after the Dodgers won the World Series. KEY QUOTE: “In East Los Angeles, the fireworks began to blast the moment Walker Buehler struck out Alex Verdugo to win the Series.”

“How an ‘American Cholo’ went from Hillary Clinton fan to Trump voter”: My latest L.A. Times columna talks about what the title says. KEY QUOTE: “With his San Fernando Valley Chicano accent, close-cropped hair and frequent use of words like “carnal,” “playboy” and “fool,” Tejada can come off to a first-time listener as a Pendleton-wearing buffoon in a Culture Clash skit.”

“Ain’t no party like an East L.A. Dodgers party — and it didn’t stop”: My next latest L.A. Times columna saw me and my dad go to the Dodgers pachanga on Whittier Boulevard. KEY QUOTE: “What my dad and I experienced on Whittier Boulevard was L.A. at its finest. I’ve never seen people so happy, so relatively calm, so united. They burst with joy, and no blockades were going to stop them.”

“O.C. Supervisor Andrew Do’s downfall started with this dogged reporter”: My still next latest L.A. Times columna profiles LAist reporter Nick Gerda. KEY QUOTE: “He’s like Clark Kent with peach fuzz: tall, slender, soft-spoken, favoring khakis and long-sleeved shirts and more earnest than a Peace Corps volunteer.”

You made it this far down? Gracias! Follow me on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram while you’re down here by clicking on their logos down below. Don’t forget to forward this newsletter to your compadres y comadres! You can’t get me tacos anymore, but you sure as hell can give them — and more — to the O.C. Catholic Worker!