Gentle cabrones:

Ten years ago yesterday, my media chica and I got married after eight years of being inseparable.

We didn’t do TOO much this week. We did go to a delicious, special dinner on Thursday at Alta Adams in West Adams emceed by our friend, Adrian Miller, that commemorated the 30th anniversary of a state dinner held for Nelson Mandela in the White House.

We had drinks and snacks at Chapter One: The Modern Bistro in SanTana, which hosted us after our wedding and whose owner’s birthday is the same as our wedding anniversary. Their Manhattans are PERFECT.

My honey wanted to recreate our epic wedding — known to those who know as #DelStavo, and councilmember/newly announced SanTana mayoral candidate Ben Vazquez as #GusLilah — in our honor, but I don’t like parties. So we’re going to have it next year! (“Keep ‘em guessing,” said KCRW legend and our eternal E — and one of Delilah’s bridesmaids — Evan Kleiman, who joined us at Alta Adams)

But most of our anniversary was spent how our days are usually spent.

She was at Alta Baja Market; I stayed at home finishing up…something…while our tankless water heater got replaced and I looked after Cosmo, who threw up in the morning but got his appetite quickly back and now I’m puppy monitoring.

Ten years in, we’re better than great. We’ve each gone through professional and personal highs and lows and reinventions while always staying true to ourselves and each other and staying in love. We’ve weathered the pandemic, recession, tragedies, lost some friendships to stupidities but mostly kept and deepened those that remained and gained new ones.

I was always told that a relationship takes work, and it kinda does. But I’ve realized it’s less about trying than being. If you’re trying, you’re already failing. If you’re in it, you’re already win it…or something.

That said, you do learn what works better than what doesn’t after a decade, and what matters more than other things. So behold my five best tips for making relationships work, with cryptic titles that SHOULD be self-evident.

Música, maestro!

Donald O’Connor

Money and looks and likes come and go, but you know what’s eternal? Laughter. Being able to laugh at things and with each other — and even at each other (but no Cosmo-shaming please please) — is a severely underrated level of intimacy. Think about it: do you laugh alongside your haters? Neighbors that you never talk to? Classmates whose names you never learn? No! You laugh the most usually with the people you spend the most time with — and if you get married, it’s going to be your significant other, you know?

Laughing means you don’t take yourself TOO seriously, because nothing is worse than an insufferable person. It means you’re always trying to share something new, something that will draw the same joyous reaction from each other — sharing is caring, after all. On one of the first times I was at my honey’s home, we watched together…The Ugly Daschund. Jimmy Stewart wannabe with a Great Dane who thinks it’s a wiener dog. Mayhem ensues. My honey laughed and laughed and laughed, while I chuckled until I eventually laughed. Roles reversed for Howard Stern when we went on our first big road trip in 2007.

It was meant to be, even if we’ve never seen Singing in the Rain.

RuPaul

Sometimes you’re employed; sometimes you’re not. Sometimes, your work is great; sometimes, it’s not. There are highs and lows in life. Loving spouses understand this and will roll with it. What they won’t tolerate is laziness.

I’m not talking about binging entire seasons of a television show in bed, as my honey loves to do on holidays. Or going on vacations and doing absolutely nothing, as we used to do at Los Poblanos outside ABQ and hopefully do again soon. In the strongest relationships, the people WERK. They always strive to improve themselves, the other person and the relationship. They take nothing for granted. They cheer each other on, but also call each other out when needed and carry the other and allow themselves to be carried.

When you’re in a relationship, you sign up for a goal: happiness. Happiness doesn’t fall from the tree, Jack: you gotta reach for it, blow up the obstacles along the way, take turns taking the lead and sometimes just walk alongside together. But you have to ALWAYS be moving forward — sometimes by millimeters, sometimes by nautical miles. That is WERK. You don’t WERK, your relationship is in danger.

Valentina: why oh why didn’t you learn the lyrics when you had to lip-sync for your LYFE? Yeah, you rebounded and then some — but you gotta WERK.

Schwartz and Sandy’s

One day, I’ll write about how I was able to win back my honey after a night of Beatles karaoke and locking her out of her first store, after what we call Round One. That is not today. But I can tell ustedes when I knew I won her heart for good: when we were talking again one time in the back of her first store about nothing really, and she silently stared at me with a smitten smile. And me, the clueless Casanova that I am, asked her, “Why are you staring at me like that?” and she didn’t respond.

AH…

Touching is ESSENTIAL. You have to stare at each other from afar. You have to hold hands, or hug, or cuddle, or snuggle, or…on a regular basis. That’s what a romantic relationship is, isn’t it? An elevated level of intimacy. So why wouldn’t you want to keep it up? Just a hand on a shoulder, a graze — it’s important. No touch, no love.

Hey: let’s touch a puppy.

NOT Led Zeppelin

No secrets. No resentments. No lies. No holding back. Be upfront. Be truthful. Be gracious. Be honest. Communication is SO key — don’t let it break down. Okay, that one was too on the nose…and one of my honey’s favorite Zeppelin songs is “Bron-Y-Aur Stomp.” Me? I’m basic — gimme “Black Dog,” although “Immigrant Song” is what I’ll probably blast through November and beyond.

They Might Be Giants

We used to take two weeks off every year until 2018, when my mami was dying of cancer. Then the pandemic happened, and we’ve only gone on a couple of road trips since — literally, just two (to Los Poblanos for a trip that got marred by pointless Zoom meetings for me, and up to Napa for…something…with Hook). At the beginning of 2022, though, I bought a plane ticket for my honey to Turkey, a country she visited just before 9/11 and always longed to return to. She was gone for three weeks; I played house papi. We welcomed her home with love and pride.

To love means to trust, and part of trust is letting people be their own people as well. She likes to rough it on vacations; I prefer Holiday Inn Express. She’s all about the world; I’m all for the county roads. If her going off makes her happy, I’m here for it, especially since she too often plays single mami because of my work.

We have our dreams that we are living, and we dream together about the life we’ve had and will have..

Happy 10th anniversary, my media chica. Your tin is coming soon!

**

Enough rambling. This was the semana that was:

IMAGE OF THE WEEK: A bag of Beaver Nuggets from the legendary Buc-cee’s convenience store chain of Texas — gracias to my brilliant Los Angeles Times colleague Hailey Branson-Potts for getting me a bag and a sticker! May the Amarillo spot be open by the time I get back on I-40!

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “We put people on the moon, so we can probably put lifts on buses.” — The Atlantis Community

LISTENING: “Matando Güeros,” Brujería. #respect to Pinche Peach, the co-vocalist of the infamous death-metal band. Their shows and songs were as brutal as they were HILARIOUS — definitely do not play this in polite company!

READING: “Betraying Salinger”: I’m fascinated by Salingeriography — the study of articles written about the author of The Catcher in the Rye, the only one of his works I’ve read but which was influential to me. I do believe I’ve shared here the 1960s-era Time story that sealed Salinger’s legend as an irascible recluse — and then there’s this confessional by the small publisher who almost published the first Salinger collection in over 30 years…and then he didn’t. When New York brings it, few other magazines can match their style, originality and zeitgest. Just take a look at this week’s cover!

BUY MY NEW CO-BOOK! People’s Guide to Orange County tells an alternative history of OC through the scholarship and reporting of myself, Elaine Lewinnek, and Thuy Vo Dang. There’ll be signings all year — in meanwhile, buy your copy TODAY. And, yes: I’ll autograph it!

Gustavo Events  

July 27, 4 p.m.: I’ll be in conversation with author Alex Espinoza about his brilliant new novel, The Sons of El Rey, at Libromobile, 1180 S. Bristol St., SanTana. Lecture, FREE; books, BARATO.

Sept. 21, 1:30 p.m.: I’ll be in conversation with Mike Madrid, longtime GOP strategist turned Trump mega-hater and author of the new book The Latino Century: How America's Largest Minority Is Transforming Democracy at Alta Baja Market, 201 E. 4th St., Ste. 101, SanTana. Lecture, FREE but register here.

Gustavo in the News

“Latinx Files: When the anti-tourism movement hits close to home”: An L.A. Times newsletter you should subscribe to plugs a columna of mine.

Gustavo Stories 

“Grítale a Guti”: Latest edition of my Tuesday night IG Live free-for-all — we raised over $800 for Frosted Faces in honor of Hook!

“An air show settlement raises questions of legality in OC”: My latest KCRW “Orange County Line” commentary talks about the latest shenanigans in Huntington Beach.

“I know what a true hillbilly is, and it’s not J.D. Vance”: My latest L.A. Times columna takes on the Republican vice presidential candidate. KEY QUOTE: “Vance is a classic example of a convenenciero — someone who goes through life with no principles other than getting ahead, and no loyalty to a community other than his own.”

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